Of all the promise of AI, many people share a similar fear. They foresee a dystopian future where every action is monitored, every decision is analysed and we are constantly being judged. From episodes of Black Mirror to China’s social credit scoring attempts, we seem both terrified and fascinated by the concept of judgement. Author Daniel Murray explains.
We might fear an AI-fueled ‘Big Brother’, but while we almost universally dislike being judged, we are very good at jumping to our own conclusions about others. From the clothes someone wears to their political leanings, we readily partake in judgment while hoping others never point it towards us. As someone who speaks to and trains teams to build trust and empathy, this habit of being judgmental is something I see all too often.
Making a judgment is not being judgmental
It is important to point out that judgments help us navigate the complexities of our world. If we didn’t make assumptions, we would struggle to survive. Indeed, there are many situations where fast assumptions are vital. Judging someone’s skill based on the quality of their prior work – either good or bad – is likely a useful shortcut when choosing an architect. However, being judgmental often occurs when we misuse assumptions to jump to unfounded or broadly critical conclusions; maybe we judge the same architect as lazy and careless based on our dislike of their last design.
This type of judgmental bundling is used to drive wedges between increasingly tribal groups. We lump together all Trump supporters as one thing, all Greenies as another. It simplifies complex situations, shuts down curiosity and reinforces artificial barriers of ‘us’ and ‘them’. In a world where we need to work together, it is clear that being judgmental is bad for us, them and everyone in between, so how do we buck the trend and turn down our judgy selves? Here are three tips you can try.
1. Ask yourself: Is that a fact or an assumption?
Often, the driving force behind our judgmental thoughts is not clear, objective facts, but instead a web of tenuous assumptions, opinions and insinuations. This is common because our brains struggle to distinguish between cold, hard facts and our personal beliefs. This leads to what psychologists refer to as naïve realism: we think we see the world as it truly is, but in reality, we distort it by overlaying our own biases.
Consider a scenario where you propose a solution to a problem in a work meeting, and one of your colleagues, Sam, challenges your idea. Emotive assumptions might be that Sam is playing politics, they don’t like you or that Sam is a troublemaker. But these are negative perspectives based on assumptions. The fact is simply that their thoughts on your idea differ from yours. This is likely a useful path to refining and improving your idea. Don’t let assumptions cloud the path, try to focus on the facts.
2. Kindness starts at home
Being judgmental doesn’t just impact the people around us; it impacts us. Research has shown that the negative emotions associated with being judgmental can distort reality by shaping our attention and perception. While positive emotions allow for broader and more varied thinking, negative emotions tend to narrow our scope of attention towards threats. When we look hard for bad stuff, we either find it or shape it. Good becomes muted, neutral becomes bad and small problems grow. This is referred to as negative cognitive distortion. Do you know people who do this?
Judgmental behaviour is linked with increased levels of stress, anxiety and depression. It activates parts of the brain that are prone to repetitive and critical thinking of not only others but also of ourselves. Being judgmental is bad for your health. This means that the first person you should be kinder towards is yourself. Try being more grateful for the things that go right, focus on the positive traits and celebrate your wins.
A friend of mine complained that they were unlucky as they ‘always’ hit red lights when driving. I asked them to try an experiment. For the next week, every time they went through a green light, I suggested they clench their fist and say “Yes, got another green”. By shifting their focus from the red lights to the green, their perceptions and experience changed. It also turned out, they got a lot of green lights after all.
3. Assume good intent
We live in a volatile and chaotic world full of uncertainty, which leads our brains to be on the lookout for danger. This bias towards looking for the worst is both natural and appropriate some of the time, but unwelcome and problematic at others.
In my line of work, I meet and work with thousands of people each year. Although I occasionally encounter some mean individuals, my experience aligns with research indicating that less than 5% of people are narcissistic. The vast majority of people are well-meaning, reasonable folk. For this reason, we should temper our natural instinct to quickly judge others through a negative lens. Instead, start by assuming others mean well. Look for positive or generous explanations of behaviour instead of harsh and critical. If someone cuts you off in traffic, it is better to assume they didn’t see you or are rushing to attend an emergency than branding it as rude or obnoxious. This assumption of good intent might not be any more accurate but the impact isn’t on them, it is on you. Assuming good intent provides you with a more positive set of emotions, something we can all do with in a chaotic world.
Daniel Murray, author of The Empathy Gap, is a sought-after keynote speaker, trainer and consultant who helps senior leaders and their teams unlock performance by leading with empathy, building trust and fostering a high-performance culture.
