“My boss said three words: I trust you. That was all it took to shatter a pattern I had been trapped in for years. Early in my career, I landed a competitive journalism cadetship at a tabloid newspaper. I worked massive hours and was a proud overachiever. But underneath all that ambition was a relentless need for approval,” says Jordana Borensztajn, communications expert.
Every news story went through layers of sub-editors. Necessary for fact-checking, yes, but it trained me to ask and check, ask and check, and never trust my work. I re-read everything hundreds of times, hunting for mistakes that weren’t there, and I judged my work’s value by others’ reactions. My perfectionism wasn’t about excellence. It was fear wearing a very, very convincing outfit.
Stand-up comedy magnified this tenfold. In the early days, if the audience didn’t laugh instantly, I assumed I had bombed. I lived on extreme highs and lows because I was handing my worth to strangers in dark comedy clubs. My internal compass was built on external approval.
Three words that changed everything
Fast forward to my dream job at a commercial radio station. I was about to ask my boss yet another question about a piece of content I had already triple-reviewed. He turned to me and said: “I trust you.” My body reacted before my mind caught up: surprise, relief, disbelief, and this surge of power. I sat up straighter, my chest opened, and something clicked. I hit publish instantly, and everything changed. Until that moment, I had been looking everywhere but inside for validation. Every approval I sought, and every time I checked my work unnecessarily, I was giving my power away. Those three words showed me that approval-seeking wasn’t protecting me. It was diminishing me.
People-pleasing and approval-seeking show up in countless ways:
- Saying yes when you mean no
- Asking for reassurance you don’t need
- Editing and/or changing your opinion based on who’s around you
- Performing what you think people want instead of being yourself
It often appears as ‘professionalism’ or ‘being polite’, so it’s easy to justify. But underneath, it’s fear. Will they like me? Will they accept me? Will I belong? We don’t voice these questions out loud, but they drive a lot of people-pleasing and approval-seeking behaviour. If this is you, here’s five ways to break free:
- Observe how your approval-seeking shows up
Track it for a week. Write down every time you ask for unnecessary input. You can’t change what you can’t see. - Build your self-trust muscle
Make one daily decision without consulting anyone. When I stopped checking everything with everyone, my creativity exploded. - Replace guilt with truth
Replace “I should help” with “Do I want to help?” This question gets you straight to your truth. - Document your wins
Create a list of successes you’re proud of. When approval-seeking surfaces, read it to remind yourself of your strengths. - Let go of needing to be liked by everyone
Not everyone will like you, and that’s absolutely OK. Comedy taught me I don’t need universal approval; I need connection.
When you show up authentically, you inspire others. My boss saying “I trust you” revealed what I had been doing all along: waiting for someone else to give me permission I already had. You don’t need anyone’s permission to trust yourself, and you don’t need approval to own your expertise. The world doesn’t need a filtered version of you. It needs your brilliant, authentic, and unapologetically real self. Stop waiting for permission. You already have it.
