“When I was a little girl, I spent a lot of time with my Uncle Geoff on his big property in rural New South Wales. He taught me to feed the animals, how to ride horses and grow food. He was a kind and wise man who had a huge positive impact on my life,” says Melli O’Brien, author of Deep Resilience.
One of my favourite things was watching him break in horses. People would bring him their wild, rowdy and even sometimes dangerous horses, and he would return them rideable (even by small kids) or able to pull a cart or wagon, and enjoying a close bond with humans.
How he did this would baffle people. He certainly had an unusual talent for it, but I knew some of his secrets from watching him at work. The greatest of these was his attitude towards the horses. He always treated them with kindness, respect, dignity and patience, and with a sprinkling of playfulness and humour thrown in too.
He would take his time to get to know and understand each horse, and he didn’t rush the process. He would observe the animal with interest for a while, coming closer to the horse, allowing it to get to know him and building up a sense of mutual trust and respect. He was never forceful or harsh. He was always kind. He believed in every horse’s potential, and with repetition, patience and care, he trained them to do incredible things, way beyond what people thought possible.
Like Uncle Geoff, if we can bring helpful attitudes into the way we understand, relate to and interact with our mind, we can develop a more harmonious, friendly and respectful relationship with it, befriending and partnering with it rather than making it an enemy. If we can embody the four attitudes of deep resilience training, we can unlock the best in our own potential. These are: kindness, playful curiosity, patience and grit – handy attributes for EAs at the top of their game.
Kindness
It’s important to be compassionate and understanding towards our mind, training it with kindness as you would if you were teaching a child to ride a bike. We are not trying to destroy the ego or suppress the mind, but working to become a friendly ally. With kindness comes respect. Your mind is incredible and has kept you alive and safe as best as it could. It’s been working hard for you, so try creating a great partnership rather than being adversarial in any way.
The enemy only sets you up for more inner tension. Your mind, like all living things, will be more responsive if treated with love and understanding. We sometimes think being harsh with ourselves is a great way to learn, but in fact, the research shows that self-compassion is a much more effective and adaptive way forward.18
Playful curiosity
As much as possible, bring an attitude of lightness, humour and creativity to the process of working with and training your mind.
Playfulness encourages the mind to soften some of its survival-based tendencies, to be creative, flexible and open. Sometimes this means letting go of our preconceived ideas about being ‘mature’, ‘grown up’ or ‘having it together’ and instead allowing ourselves to access our childlike side where we are willing to see things with fresh eyes, try new things and play around, explore and experiment a bit.
At the start of every retreat I run, I encourage people to think of themselves as explorers. Let your life be a laboratory where you feel free to experiment, try new things, watch the results and see what insights, possibilities and experiences might emerge. Feel free to explore, challenge old ways of doing things, try on new ways of being, consider unusual approaches and interesting angles, challenge the status quo, test and refine possible approaches, free of expectation or judgement.
Patience
When we are practising becoming deeply resilient, we need to be patient. We cannot force habits to change, or control how fast our wounds will heal or when insights and breakthroughs will come. All we can do is keep creating the conditions for these things to unfold and then allow the passing of time to grow the seeds of change in our lives.
Many of us live our lives pushing for a particular outcome and focused on getting results quickly, but when it comes to growing inner strength, this can be counterproductive. The more we try to force change, the less present, calm and at ease we are in each moment. It’s a bit of a paradox, but the more patient we are with ourselves, the more we set up the right conditions for positive change to unfold.
Grit
Also known as tenacity or determination, this is the quality of persisting at something you feel passionate about, sticking with it when you face obstacles. It is the ability to keep moving towards long-term, meaningful goals and not be deterred even when things get tough.
When you have grit, you stay committed to a task that may be boring, uncomfortable or arduous at times. It’s about having a clear direction and the commitment to see it through.
Grit is the attitude required by an athlete who is training for a competition. They don’t only practise when they feel like it, when the weather is nice, when they’re in a good mood, when there is nothing more fun to do or when there’s time to fit it in. The athlete trains regularly, every day, come rain, hail or shine and whether they feel like it or not. That’s the attitude we need to create meaningful transformation in ourselves and our lives. That’s how we get the results we need and reap all the benefits that deep resilience has to offer.
Melli O’Brien is the best-selling author of Deep Resilience and an internationally renowned mental health educator and coach.